the web home of professional Unnecessary Caps-locker, Brianna Bond. y'all done been warned.

31 Fright Nights, bitches.

OMFG spoopy creeper friends, it’s the month* of scary movies.

*let’s be real, every month is scary movie month.

I’m living that Roku TV life and pretty much the only thing I miss about having cable is the cheesy nightly broadcasts of “scary” movies throughout October that every network does. So I compiled my own.

Grab that blanky (a.k.a. your monster shield, duh) and microwave that cider AGAIN: here are 31 horror flicks for you to watch this month.

For the record, I’m not saying these are critically-acclaimed. They’re just ones I liked for various reasons— or haven’t seen yet but have heard good things about.

1. The Exorcism of Emily Rose. This movie fucked me up for real, and it’s based (with extensive liberties) on the true story of Annaliese Michel. Religion be crazy, yo. Everyone knows when your girl is speaking in tongues, you go to a doctor.

2. Paranormal Activity. I was immediately and will forever remain such a sucker for these fake first-person or fake documentary type of movies. This movie is good and I don’t give a fuck what you think of me for liking it. I’m shortening that to TMIGAIDGAF because I’ll be saying that about a lot of these movies.

3. Gerald’s Game (Netflix). I haven’t seen this, but GQ’s review said it’s really good. A Stephen King fan since I was 7, I’m looking forward to this— the book really sucked me in. It latches onto all your fears of slow death. In the book, Gerald was a flabby tub of Crisco, so I’m a little side-eye that this adaptation has a fly-ass ripped Macguyver having a heart attack, but whatever.

4. The Village. TMIGAIDGAF. M. Night Shyamalan is predictable but I DON’T CARE, I LOVE THAT SHIT. Also Joaquin Phoenix. Also psychological terror that gets you thinking what kind of Donner party-ass people maybe live in the woods right behind you and you don’t even know, b.

5. The Conjuring. This movie had me yelling NOPE NOPE NOPE in the theater. When my daughter watched it at home, she peed the couch. Enough said.

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6. The Ring. When my brother watched this at home, he just legit barfed from terror. Look, I even verified. Hi, Stephen! Love you, mean it!

 

7. White Noise. It’s cheesy, but entertaining, and you get to roll your eyes a lot at the end. Watch when you’ve had a day where you wanted to be a jerk to someone to whom you couldn’t be a jerk. Take that shit out on Michael Keaton.

8. Shutter. Legit terrifying, and really well-shot if you’re into that film critic stuff.

9. Blair Witch Project. I told you I like this style. I know you have to stare at a lot of snot and there’s a good deal of whining, but the scene at the end is so creepy it makes it all worth it. Don’t watch if your kids whining already has you on edge.

10. Get Out. WHAT THE FUCK, THIS MOVIE IS FUCKED UP BUT IN A GOOD WAY BUT ALSO WTF. Anyway, watch it.

11. Poltergeist. Classic spoop. Never goes stale; it’s the Pop-Tart of mhellraiserovies.

12. Hellraiser. I actually don’t really like this but the costuming is amazing and I just like watching it to remind 16-year-old me that trying to actually look like these characters in my day-to-day emo goth high school life was impressive, but ill-advised.

13. The Others. Haven’t seen, and I don’t know how, but I’m going to fix that.

14. Dark Skies. Seen it a million times, still scary. Aliens freak me out. TAKE ME IF YOU MUST BUT BE KIND AND LEAVE ALL MY PARTS AND ALSO MAKE IT SO I DON’T REMEMBER THE VISIT. Thanks.

15. Apollo 18. Quick, take me to my fainting couch, a movie that mixes NASA and horror and aliens? Be still my heart, this movie is perfection.

16. It Follows. I’ve been trying to watch this forever but apparently it’s a little sexy and my kids just won’t ever go away so I can watch it.

17. Cabin In The Woods. A little stupid, a little scary, a little funny: watch with weed. *that you definitely legally acquired with a license from a licensed distributor, of course.

18. Paranormal Activity 2. I suspected I would hate this because since I saw the first one, I knew their whole schtick with this type of film and would be bored. UM NO. IT WAS SCARIER.

19. Strangers On a Train. Mark’s pick. Don’t know shit about it, except it’s Alfred Hitchcock. I hear there are hella murders.

20. The Wailing. Korean horror movie that’s very highly-rated. Haven’t seen it but I scanned the plot summary and saw the word “goat head” so I’m in.

21. Scream! For the people reading this who were all about Skeet Ulrich in the 90’s. AKA me.

22. The Omen. 1000% just because I like watching the mom get pushed off a balcony.

23. The Babadook. Still haven’t seen! Even though I heard so much talk about it. Does it suck? No don’t tell me.

24. The Invitation. I don’t know. Honestly this is a list filler that I Googled but now I’m pretty excited about it, it seems fancy.

25. The Haunting. This has like… LAUGH OUT LOUD cheesy parts but also it’s kind of fun.

26. The Phoenix Tapes ’97. I lived in Phoenix when this happened and it was a big freaky deal, so I’m going to watch this while suspending all the knowledge I have about what the lights really turned out to be and just embrace all the aliens or whatever. I am so ready.

27. Saw. I remember that before I watched this, I thought it was dumb and I was acting all smug-superior about it with my friends and then I saw it and it scared the crap out of me. Great gore scenes, too. They’re not my thing but I can still appreciate when the director goes hard.

28. Haunting in Connecticut. This movie is terrible and I don’t give a fuck.

29. Rosemary’s Baby. I haven’t seen this classic, I am ashamed.

30. Jeepers Creepers. I still can’t even with the dude’s tribal?? bellybutton?? tattoo?? but this is still a scary flick.

31. The Fourth Kind. My points here: Milla Jovovich (hnng). Aliens. Beautiful/creepy Alaskan scenery. Just fuck me up, fam. This is VERY high on my personal “most buttclench” scary movies list.

coconut raspberry thumbprint cookies. do not share with Yoshi.

I don’t know where my mom got this recipe, or if she invented it herself, but these things are bite-size and addicting, which is a perfect combination. They also remind me of Yoshi’s cookies, which makes me love them even more. 

best gingersnaps in the world

For me, the holidays mean basically one thing and one thing only: It’s gingersnap time. There’s almost nothing better than sitting down with a mug of hot chocolate in which to dip my gingersnaps while I watch the kids terrorize our Christmas tree. These cookies are a (wait for it) snap to make. Enjoy!