The other day my mom asked me what time we should do our Thanksgiving festivities. I say, Maybe three o’clock? That way the kids are all lethargic from the tryptophan all evening and will chill out instead of the normal screaming-heathen routine. Then she tells me that the tryptophan thing has been scientifically proven to be false. Turns out that we get all drowsy because we just ate 27 pounds of food.
First of all: whoa. That study sounds like an excuse for some labcoat guys to overeat and lie around. Do they really get paid to study that?? Those labcoat guys could be studying something useful, like sustainable agriculture or why Kirsten Dunst is a such a bad actress.
Secondly: not cool, labcoat guys, not cool — You just took away my foolproof excuse to be a total lazy fatass on Thanksgiving.
I mean sure, I’ll probably still do the total lazy fatass thing on Thanksgiving, but now I’ll feel (a very tiny bit) guilty about it. Before, I had a scientific reason to be on the couch for nine hours at a stretch, and now all I can blame is my American upbringing! Which, I am totally not bagging on American upbringings. Well maybe a little but that does not mean I am not still totally in love with our lifestyle of excess. Does it suck that there are millions of starving people in the world? Yes. But I can’t feel TOO guilty about it because I had no choice in where I was born. I am the privileged sperm of a privileged sperm of a privilege sperm. So: A.) Not my fault, and 2.) Thanks Great Grandpa Seamus! Sorry the boat ride sucked!
But I digress.
Of course I am thankful we will have an assload of food to eat tomorrow, even if the food won’t drug my children to give me a couple hours of peace and quiet. Maybe as a gesture of my sympathy for those who aren’t so lucky, I will roast a couple of the labcoat guys on a spit, box ’em up and send ’em over to the eternally starving millions. If we did that with all the overpaid, useless people here in America, it would bring an end to world hunger!