Let’s talk about what is going to happen in the event of my death. No, I am not dying tomorrow. I’ll be 27 in a month though, and it is possible I will die shortly after that. When I die, it is (obviously) up to someone else to handle my death party. I do want my dear friends and family to be able to have some fun with my corpse– Let’s just get all the necrophilia jokes out of the way now. You done? Thanks. –before I start to decompose. Assuming my body is in one piece (because I’d like to go out in a way that leaves me mangled, but that’s a post for a different day), there are many fun things you can do with a body before it gets too rank. Let’s discuss…
Scavenger Hunt. Doesn’t this sound like fun?! It’s a great team-building activity, too. I want to make sure the family sticks together after I’m gone and this is a good start. Also, when the family is done with the scavenger hunt you can rent me out to businesses for team-building corporate events. I am all about helping my loved ones make money, at least until my brain starts leaking out my nose.
Traveling Gnorpse. Which is like a traveling gnome, but made less of wood and more of rotting flesh. Look, I have friends all over the globe. I can’t expect everyone to just put their shit on hold and come to my funeral. With that in mind, I will happily have myself shipped all worldwide so that you can say your goodbyes. I figure my traveling gnorpse can hit ten countries before customs starts to notice an odor. My only stipulation is that you take pictures of me at all the tourist spots and landmarks in your area. I’ve always wanted to see the World’s Largest Ball of Twine…
Target Practice. No, I am not talking about shooting thousands of rounds of ammunition into me (although I’d be fine with that)– I am talking about something way more fun. I want you to take my cold, lifeless body 10,000 feet up into the sky and drop me, sans parachute, out of a plane onto a giant bulls-eye. If you’re feeling really ambitious, you could shoot thousands of rounds of ammunition at my body while I’m speeding towards the ground. You can make it a points game and winner gets… Wait, you just got to throw me out of a plane. What more do you want you sick greedy fuck?
Piñata Party. The truth is, I’ve been trying my whole life to stuff myself with candy. So this, for me, is the ultimate way to go out. Empty my main body cavities and stuff them with treats. This will hurt me less than that one time I got shitfaced in high school and let you hit me with a bat. Also a good way for my siblings to release any pent-up aggression they have about me being more awesome than them. Of course, I’ll still be the most awesome because I’ll be stuffed with Tootsie Rolls, but whatever makes you feel better.
Once you’re done doing one or all of the above things to my body, just burn whatever is left and dump my ashes somewhere. I’m not picky… Because I’ll be DEAD.