Halloween is quickly approaching. I mean, I think it is. I am not entirely sure when exactly Halloween is because I haven’t observed Halloween since I was six.
My dad was in a phase for ummm, ten years or so where Halloween was The Debil’s Holiday. We were the house at the end of the cul-de-sac that had a sign up on the door. And it wasn’t even a polite, ambiguous sign that said “No candy here! Move along! Goodnight!” No, this sign was some serious shit.
This was kind of a bummer for us kids, since Halloween ranks right below Christmas on a child’s scale of Awesome Holidays. Also it’s pretty embarrassing to be that house when all your classmates, including Andy Garcia The Hottest Thing To Ever Hit 5th Grade, are stopping by for a fun-size Snickers bar.
So my last Halloween was one year my maternal grandmother took us out, and I was in first grade. My younger brothers (twins) and I dressed up as Alvin & The Chipmunks, and if you could see our pre-orthodontics overbites and chubby cheeks, you’d know this was not actually a stretch. I was Simon, which I feel pretty much secured my fate of being a nerd forever.
Anyway, I don’t remember how or if I celebrated Halloween between 16 and 21 because… well let’s just say LSD kills memories. But at 21, I had my son and from then on Halloween was all about the kid(s). You take them out, get them all hopped up on sugar, come home, watch them dart around the room, eyes bloodshot and twitching, until they pass out. That’s it. Holiday over. Once you have kids, Halloween is for the kids.
But this year! Guys! I’m 27! And this year! I get to go to a real adult Halloween party. I mean, after I do the candy-begging with my kids, but still. What do adults do on this pseudo-holiday for kids? Will it be like Eyes Wide Shut but with less black robes and more superhero costumes? Will they be putting sex toys in my pillowcase instead of Smarties?
I don’t know, but tomorrow I’m taking my Simon costume to the dry cleaners and then I’m going to call my father to say, “Dad, I’m going to hell.” As if he didn’t already know that.