The past few weeks, I have been suffering a wicked case of sleep-texting. More accurately: my friends have been suffering through a wicked bout of me sleep-texting. I feel bad for my friends who I’m likely waking from a dead sleep at 2am just for them to look at their phone and see a not-at-all-important text declaring how much I love them or want to squish their face or how delicious chunky peanut butter is on apple slices. I have no recollection of my nighttime communications and when morning comes and I look at my phone, I am mildly (to thoroughly, depending) mortified at the things my subconscious feels the need to share with my nearest and dearest or in one case, my history professor:
UR QUIZZES ARE IRELAVANT PLUS FYI FRIENDS WAS A GUD SHOW SO SHUDDUP PROFESSOR
My sleep-texts contain horrible spelling and grammar and sometimes, yes, hashtags. #ugh
Anyway, I’ve been taking measures to try and prevent this, for their sake and my own. Because if my subconscious keeps it up, I’ll soon have zero friends and nine restraining orders against me.
For the first attempt, I simply turned my phone off. No way I could turn my phone on in my sleep and start texting people, right? Wrong. My subconscious is motivated.
The second attempt, I turned it off and put it on a high shelf. Fail. Nay, EPIC FAIL. I woke up the next morning with my phone on, in my hand, and wow, had reached a level of sharing with someone (the poor soul) that I usually only attain with medical professionals.
So, look– the situation is dire now. It’s not that my subconscious is lying; if anything my sleep-texts say what I’m too afraid to or forget to tell my friends while I’m awake. It’s just that, it’s really fucking annoying for everyone involved, and one of these days my subconscious is going to screw up and send a sleep-text to Oh My God Only Knows Who.
I’m putting my phone in a safe tonight and swallowing the key. So I figure all my friends will have at least a 24-48 hour break from my sleep-texting…
…Depending on how much bran I consume tomorrow.