So I’ve got a bunk rib. I know you’re probably wondering how a rib can even be bunk, seeing as it is a jointless bone that serves but two purposes– protect the lungs, and be very ticklish. Well, let me tell you how a rib can be bunk: It contemplates puncturing a lung every time I sneeze, cough hard, have crazy bendy sex, or get tickled by The Hulk. Frankly if The Hulk is tickling me, I need to be worried about bigger things than my bunk rib, like why I did enough drugs to believe I’m being tickled by a massive green comic book character, but I digress.
Basically I am playing a game of Punctured Lung Roulette. I mean, I’m not too worried about it. Whatever. I tend to believe it’s kind of No Big Deal. But a doctor suggested that I have this rib removed so that I can go on about my crazy-tickle-sex with The Hulk without risking a punctured lung. Of course my first question to the doc was “Can I keep the rib?” to which he replied, “Okay, you fucking weirdo, I suppose, sure.”
I have been thinking all day about the cool shit I could do with my own removed bunk rib. You guys, there is no way that this isn’t awesome. Let me give you some examples:
1.) Do as Chuck Norris would and sharpen it, to be used as a weapon on my next enemy. Enough said, motherfucker.
2.) Use it as a kitchen tool. I would love to see the faces of dinner guests when they look at the stove and see me stirring their starter soup with my rib. Funny, right?!? No? Guys? Come back!
3.) I could fake my own death. People attempt to fake their own death all the time, but they don’t have one of their own bones to convince the world they are really toast. If I go on a hiking trip and never return, but leave my rib in the woods for search & rescue to find, everyone will assume I was eaten by a bear or Meth Sheep while I’m actually on a beach in St. Thomas sippin’ on gin & juice.
You see? Sure, there will be serious surgery involved, and a new scar right through my back tattoo, but all in all I think bunk rib is going to be a fun guy to party with once he’s on the outside.