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bunk rib redeems itself by being super fun to party with

So I’ve got a bunk rib.  I know you’re probably wondering how a rib can even be bunk, seeing as it is a jointless bone that serves but two purposes–  protect the lungs, and be very ticklish.  Well, let me tell you how a rib can be bunk:  It contemplates puncturing a lung every time I sneeze, cough hard, have crazy bendy sex, or get tickled by The Hulk.  Frankly if The Hulk is tickling me, I need to be worried about bigger things than my bunk rib, like why I did enough drugs to believe I’m being tickled by a massive green comic book character, but I digress.

Basically I am playing a game of Punctured Lung Roulette.  I mean, I’m not too worried about it.  Whatever.  I tend to believe it’s kind of No Big Deal.  But a doctor suggested that I have this rib removed so that I can go on about my crazy-tickle-sex with The Hulk without risking a punctured lung.  Of course my first question to the doc was “Can I keep the rib?” to which he replied, “Okay, you fucking weirdo, I suppose, sure.”

SWEET.

I have been thinking all day about the cool shit I could do with my own removed bunk rib.  You guys, there is no way that this isn’t awesome.  Let me give you some examples:

1.)  Do as Chuck Norris would and sharpen it, to be used as a weapon on my next enemy. Enough said, motherfucker.

2.)  Use it as a kitchen tool. I would love to see the faces of dinner guests when they look at the stove and see me stirring their starter soup with my rib.  Funny, right?!?  No?  Guys?  Come back!

3.)  I could fake my own death. People attempt to fake their own death all the time, but they don’t have one of their own bones to convince the world they are really toast.  If I go on a hiking trip and never return, but leave my rib in the woods for search & rescue to find, everyone will assume I was eaten by a bear or Meth Sheep while I’m actually on a beach in St. Thomas sippin’ on gin & juice.

You see?  Sure, there will be serious surgery involved, and a new scar right through my back tattoo, but all in all I think bunk rib is going to be a fun guy to party with once he’s on the outside.

Comments

  1. zomg, it’s gonna be so cool. i can hardly wait! can i have some powdered rib to enhance my chinese herb sex life? YES!

    • sarcasmically says:

      I will be happy to grind down a piece of my bunk rib for you to ensure you and Chuck have a long happy sex life. BECAUSE I’M A GOOD FRIEND.

  2. dude. Can I send you some healing gummy things or baked goods while you heal?? when is surgery?

    I like things to have a function but the rib in a glass case under a spotlight or as a dining room table centerpiece would be awesome.. Maybe turn it into a vibrator to *really* fuck with people. You don’t have to actually use it, just leave it on the bedside table.

    • sarcasmically says:

      To be determined, because it’s “technically” elective and because I “technically” have many things to deal with that are more important right now. But hot damn, I don’t turn down offers for baked goods or gummy bears. Vibrator? GENIUS.

      • It makes me mad that it’s “technically” elective because “technically” you should not have to worry about puncturing your lung when a dust bunny goes flying by.

        I’ll start saving for massive gummy things.

  3. Secretly scratch Jesus into it, with droplets of acid and a q-tip so it looks like no human tools did it. Show it to FOXNews. Retire.

  4. I think you tell people that you kept it as a souvenir from that time you killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.

  5. Well, you could be real casual about it. Mount it on a plaque and put it by the front door, and hang your keys or a jacket on it. Then, when people ask (because they will ask), just calmly tell them, “Oh, that thing? That’s a human rib. The fucker was asking for it.” and continue on as though it’s no big deal.

  6. You can use it as a toothpick for a dinosaur.

  7. the kitchen tool is especially appealing to me, for some (no doubt) fucked up reason. but OMG THE HILARITY! it would be totally worth it.

  8. DUDE what you NEED to do with it is turn it into a paperweight. Leave it on your desk so when you summon people to your office to talk to you (kind of a dream of mine, really) they’ll see your rib right there on your desk. And they’ll think twice about crossing you because you’ll pay someone to engrave this on the rib in Old E: “This is my goddamn *RIB.*”

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