on the blog

aw crap, He may never forgive me for the Macarena, and rightly so

It has become pretty obvious to me in the past week or so that December 2010 is going to be one of those “make it or break it” times of my life.  There are quite a few big things that I really, really (REALLY) need to work in my favor so that I can work on some other big things in 2011 and holy shit, I am super anxious about it all.  This is so uncharacteristic of me; I am usually very calm about things.  Then again, I haven’t really had potentially life-changing situations be things that are outside of my control.  Usually my major life-changes have been mine, totally dependent on me and no one else, from start to finish.  But a lack of control, my friends, is what I have here, and maybe that’s why I am one big ball of nervous energy lately.

These things are so important to me that I have started silently pleading with God for them to work out as I need/want them to.  (Let’s be honest, it’s a “want”, because I won’t die if it doesn’t go my way.)  I was raised in a Christian household but rejected organized religion at thirteen because the hypocrisy of it all did not sit well with me.  At the time, I also discarded the idea of God, because, well, I was thirteen and teenagers are all about absolutes.  In the fourteen years since, I haven’t given God much thought, because…  I don’t know why.  Because I felt I didn’t need to?  Because I felt clinging to any faith besides faith in myself, my fortitude, my work ethic just seemed like a waste of energy?  However, this past year has thrown me some curveballs that me & my fortitude & work ethic could (and did) have no influence on, and so I entertain the idea of some kind of God– not someone to blame, but shit, maybe someone to talk to?  I don’t know; I’m new at this.

So like I was saying, my days are filled lately with prayers, except, hello, I’ve been essentially agnostic for fourteen years and I’m not really sure how to do this.  Could God even hear little ol’ me above all the other experienced prayers asking for help?  Do I need to get a billboard with my pleas plastered up along Route 70?  Does God even drive?  Probably not.  Or wait: yes.  God drives a Ferrari, but it flies.  And what do I say to God?  To me, “Please help me with this this and this” seems really insufficient, especially when I am a n00b coming out of the woodwork after fourteen years of spiritual disconnect to ask for assistance.  I should like, repent for bad things I’ve done, right?  Or offer good deeds in exchange for a little divine intervention?  Apparently this is what makes sense to me (even though it makes no sense to me), because I’ve been spouting off ridiculous prayers like this:

Dear God,

I realize now that the Macarena was a cult ritual dance of Satan and I’m sorry that I participated in it 973 times in 1996.  Please forgive me and help me with this Super Huge Important Thing.

Humbly,

Bri

Or this:

Dear God,

If you can just throw me a bone this month, I will donate my five-pound gummy bear to the fight against world hunger.  It could feed the entire Republic of Somalia for two years.

Please say hi to Eazy E for me,

Bri

Or this:

Dear God,

Please excuse the thirteen years of extremely impure thoughts I’ve had about my married high school biology teacher, and halp? Plz?

Chastely yours,

Bri

I don’t mean to sound like an irreverent asshole, I’m just new to this “asking for help” thing.   I hope if God does pick up the Bri station on his Prayer Ghettoblaster, he has a sense of humor.  But he must, right?  I mean, there’s no other explanation for some things.  God is a joker, and so we have penises.  God is a joker, and so we have Sarah Palin.

Dear God,

I forgive you for Sarah Palin.  Please help me this month.

Hugs,

Bri

Comments

  1. For what it’s worth…

    http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2010/26341.html

    BTW… Howdy! this be mist_witch from twitter and the booth (which has been unboothed for ages)

Trackbacks

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Michael Roe, bri. bri said: Dear God, Sorry about my flannel phase. Sincerely, Bri. | http://bit.ly/dG3Irc […]

Speak Your Mind

*