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i’m apologizing in advance for the mental image you’re about to get

So in the wee hours of the morning on Tuesday, I hit the Georgia state line on my trek from Maryland to Florida.  I had been driving nonstop all night and it was time to get out, massage my butt cheeks, and stock up on more energy drinks to finish the drive.   There it was, in the distance, the gas station, a beacon of convenience in the darkness of the early-morning I-95 corridor.  Unbeknownst to me, that gas station would change my life forever.

As I was taking a few minutes to stretch my legs while my car was filling with gas, I cleaned the remnants of my road trip snacks out of my car, and looked for a trash can.  Hmm.  No trash can in sight.  I started walking around the side of the gas station to find some sort of trash receptacle, when I walked right into it:  sexual congress between two vagrants, happening in the grease pit that is the rear lot of any gas station.  BUT WAIT IT GETS BETTER.

In that split second between when you walk in on something you’re not supposed to walk in and when your body catches up with your brain and decides to turn the fuck around and boogie the hell on out of there, I saw that this homeless man had his homeless girlfriend knees-to-the-sky and was penetrating her with

A CORN DOG.

I will give you a moment to process that information.

Okay… A CORN DOG?  Fleh.  Mergle.  Flerfignoogle.  That’s all I’ve got.  Just sounds.  Words fail me.

I’m not going to lie, this was absolutely my first thought:

Look, I’m not judging, I’m really not.  Lord knows I have done some freaky shit and I fully support a person or couple doing whatever they need to keep things spicy.  I just… ?  I mean, just… it actually boggles my mind in the same way a really awesome magic trick would– A simple act that creates questions.  Questions like:

1.  Does he not have a penis?

2.  In what fucked up world would one rather see your lady’s vagina eat a corn dog than see your own mouth eat it?

3.  You’re homeless; maybe you shouldn’t be taking that meal-on-a-stick for granted, buddy.

4.  What food is going to replace the #6 position on my Favorite Foods list now that I can never eat a fucking corn dog again?

Comments

  1. I put those in my child’s mouth. Oh God.

  2. Well, I read that entire story thinking chili dog instead of corn dog.

    Not really sure what else to say.

    • If he had slipped it a few inches lower, it would basically be a chili dog. Also, I’m sorry for the previous sentence.

  3. It’s like my mama always said, “don’t give any money to homeless people, they’ll just turn around and waste it on phallic food for grease pit sex.”

  4. i- my brain… i- shudder. did you say, “get a cardboard box, for heaven’s sake!” and also, how did you know they were boyfriend girlfriend? and finally, let’s talk about something else.

    • I mean, I guess I don’t KNOW they were in a relationship, but when people are doing sex acts to each other, I don’t assume they are strangers. However, I also do t usually assume a corn dog is a sex tool, so I could be wrong.

  5. Who the hell gave you permission to snoop in and blog about my dates?? And just for the record, it was her idea! 😛

  6. They are not enough words I can type on this keyboard to appropriately describe my reaction to this.

    HORROR! (what a waste of a corn dog)
    SADNESS! (again, what a wast of a corn dog)
    HILARIOUSNESS! (sweet baby jesus)
    CONFUSION! (what if some of the cornbread coating breaks off?!)

  7. i heartily agree that you should never eat a fucking corndog again. however, maybe a non-fucking one? that has not been used in sex acts? yes?

    also: my life is so much less interesting than yours.

  8. Well, humans had a good run at things, but it’s obviously over now.

    Time to let another species take a chance.

  9. did they notice you? or were they totally consumed by corndoggy passion?
    also puts a new slant on “doin’it doggy style”
    also… ew!
    also…

    • they didn’t notice me, and i wasn’t about to draw attention to myself. i wasn’t sure they weren’t rabid and god forbid they attack.

  10. Wait a second. Was it a frozen one or unfrozen? Because I don’t think it would stay together while penetr…

    sorry need to vomit.

  11. you know what bugs me about this post? and maybe it’s because i live in GA? it’s just that i didn’t know you in time to invite you to say hi on your mad dash through the state. i mean, i’m on the main drag after all. crap. and honestly, nothing is going to make me stop loving corndogs.

  12. i too have many questions. most of which would be unwise to share publicly.

    totally unrelated: aren’t they having a sale on corndogs at costco right now? *goes shopping*

  13. I consider myself an adventerous person, but for some reason i’ve never been interested in mixing food with sex. Now I have a reason.

  14. Words…I..uh, have none. Whaa????

  15. Best tasting yeast infection ever?

    I’m going to throw up now.

  16. I must say, I’m from Georgia and I feel the need to defend myself. I respect deep-fried foods waaay too much to ever do such a thing. And also. I feel pretty confident in saying these people were not from the great state of Georgia. We are a demure bunch. And those of us who aren’t are like me and wouldn’t waste good food. I’m guessing they were Alabama natives. Possibly Mississippi….and definitely on their way to Florida 😉

  17. LOL…with all due respect, my time in Athens taught me that my fellow GA natives are capable of almost anything! I’m not one to mess with sex–I think it’s fine the way it is with NO additives, but them mountain people over to the TN border may be of a different breed. Hell, mountain people are a different breed. Them’s mountain people after all.

  18. Ho.ly. Shit.

    Do you suppose she knew it was a corn dog and not a man dog doing the penetrating?

  19. … and I am still going to eat them. Nice try.

  20. They prolly jus couldnt afford a dildo. Or maybe he was out of ketchup. You sure it wasnt an orange popcicle.

  21. ACMESalesRep says:

    “You’re homeless; maybe you shouldn’t be taking that meal-on-a-stick for granted, buddy.”

    Who said he wasn’t going to eat it anyhow?

  22. The words … I don’t have any … and this tops every single thing I’ve either (a) witnessed at blind conventions, (otherwise known as Blindy Mating Season), plus everything else I’ve ever read on the internet. Oh shit.

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