So in the wee hours of the morning on Tuesday, I hit the Georgia state line on my trek from Maryland to Florida. I had been driving nonstop all night and it was time to get out, massage my butt cheeks, and stock up on more energy drinks to finish the drive. There it was, in the distance, the gas station, a beacon of convenience in the darkness of the early-morning I-95 corridor. Unbeknownst to me, that gas station would change my life forever.
As I was taking a few minutes to stretch my legs while my car was filling with gas, I cleaned the remnants of my road trip snacks out of my car, and looked for a trash can. Hmm. No trash can in sight. I started walking around the side of the gas station to find some sort of trash receptacle, when I walked right into it: sexual congress between two vagrants, happening in the grease pit that is the rear lot of any gas station. BUT WAIT IT GETS BETTER.
In that split second between when you walk in on something you’re not supposed to walk in and when your body catches up with your brain and decides to turn the fuck around and boogie the hell on out of there, I saw that this homeless man had his homeless girlfriend knees-to-the-sky and was penetrating her with
A CORN DOG.
I will give you a moment to process that information.
Okay… A CORN DOG? Fleh. Mergle. Flerfignoogle. That’s all I’ve got. Just sounds. Words fail me.
I’m not going to lie, this was absolutely my first thought:
Look, I’m not judging, I’m really not. Lord knows I have done some freaky shit and I fully support a person or couple doing whatever they need to keep things spicy. I just… ? I mean, just… it actually boggles my mind in the same way a really awesome magic trick would– A simple act that creates questions. Questions like:
1. Does he not have a penis?
2. In what fucked up world would one rather see your lady’s vagina eat a corn dog than see your own mouth eat it?
3. You’re homeless; maybe you shouldn’t be taking that meal-on-a-stick for granted, buddy.
4. What food is going to replace the #6 position on my Favorite Foods list now that I can never eat a fucking corn dog again?