Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. No but really, I don’t mean to milk the shit out of The Corndog Incident and minimize the problems of people with actual problems, but it is still a struggle for me to walk down the frozen aisle in the grocery store.
Anyway, I should warn you now that I am not capable of writing a decent blog post at the moment. I am writing this post solely for my father because HI DAD, I CAN SEE YOU READING MY BLOG. Also because my dad told me he found my blog. Also because my brother called me tonight to get this URL because my dad won’t shut up about my blog. We shall return to this in a moment.
My kids were up in Pennsylvania getting thoroughly spoiled by my mom all summer, and I spent that time in Florida doing a bunch of touristy shit, like working.
I have not spent more than four days away from my children in seven years. Let that sink in for a moment.
So you think a bitch is just going to get drunk on freedom and go wild, right? No. A bitch cries because she misses her rugrats, which is total bullshit. Like I am on fucking kind-of vacation, brain, so maybe you can pull your shit together and enjoy it? Just so you know, non-parent readers, the thing about parenting no one tells you before you have kids is that once you have kids, doing things without them is no fun. Also, doing things with them is no fun. WEAR CONDOMS PEOPLE.
The kids are here with me now; we fucking pwned a 1,000-mile drive in a U-Haul earlier this month and in case you are wondering, WE DID NOT STOP ONCE IN GEORGIA. Norcross and I now have a chaotic household of five + asshole dog. It’s so choice.
Anyway, back to my dad. I was never hiding this blog from my family, or anyone for that matter. I am fully aware that when you put things out on the internet, they are there for anyone and everyone to see. That said, it was a little terrifying to find out my dad was reading this, mostly because I do so much cursing. Also it’s kind of awkward to think about your dad reading about the time you and another human being mutually used each other for sex while on vacation and having candy showing up in [CENSORED] afterward and now my boyfriend is reading about the time my dad read about the time I walk-of-shamed into his house OH GOD THE AWKWARD HAS COME FULL CIRCLE NO ONE LOOK AT ME.
But apparently my dad is my biggest fan, you guys. So you should say hi. He’s pretty cool (duh, I am awesome and he is the father of awesome). Hey internet, say hi to my dad! His name is Larry and he enjoys Monty Python flicks, iced tea with a hint of POM juice, going to Hawaii for vacation without me, and he is totally refreshing the shit out of this page right this very moment.