on the blog

A guideline for my kids

My kids are very independent. This isn’t a humblebrag; I’m sure I could stand to be a bit more managerial as a mom. But I was raised in a household of independent people, and past a certain age— the age where we children had largely figured out what will or won’t immediately kill us and policed ourselves accordingly— the kids and parents moved into a sort of roommate situation. [Read more…]

on ruining my future

Last week I made The Biggest Mistake of My Life.

Let’s back up for a minute. I’ve been self-employed since March 2010. It is simultaneously the shittiest and the best job in the history of ever. My boss is an asshat, the hours are ridiculous, and the office smells like a very stinky dog. It is not glamorous, I only have benefits because I am married, and MY BOSS IS AN ASSHAT. There are days when I think about getting a “real job” where I get to interact with someone other than Moose every day, where I am working only 9-5, where I have weekends off and paid vacations. WHERE MY BOSS KEEPS HER FUCKING SMELLY DOG OUT OF THE OFFICE.

But. Last week I made the Biggest Mistake of My Life and completely destroyed any chance of ever having a “real job”– I got a tattoo on my hand. A stupid tattoo of a stupid donut, at that! According to my mother and several people on the internet, hand tattoos are reserved for felons and/or drug dealers and I’m STUPID and I’LL REGRET IT and I’m RUINING MY FUTURE. I understand that logic and I agree (with caveats)… and that’s exactly why the hell I did it.

Self-employment is hard and I have, this past summer especially, when I was dealing with the worst client I could ever imagine and unsure of the direction I was moving, thought long and hard of throwing in the towel and taking some corporate job and losing all the fucking hassle. But I’d also lose the ability to take my kids to the beach whenever I want. I’d lose the ability to take an afternoon nap if I so please. I’d lose thirty months of molding and shaping what my business does and who it serves. I’d lose the best fucking clients that a nerd could ever ask for. I’d lose, yes, the pride I have in myself for making this work.

I was sick of having quitting my business as an option. I was tired of always questioning if my own business was the right choice for me, when I know in my gut that it is. So I purposefully and knowingly ruined that option for myself.

get your shittin’ pants ready.

I took the kids camping a couple weekends back.

We were doing the campfire horror story thing, and here’s what Taylor came up with.

SHUT THE FUCK UP. NO HANDRAILS?!? Sleeping with all the teddy bears tonight, you guys.

oh, hey, I should update this

Lately my darling son has been a real dick.  Yeah, that’s the story I’m leading with, do you have a problem with it?  IF SO I WILL GROUND YOU.  I am pretty much the best at grounding people lately.

I think the most frustrating part of his recent behavior at school, which has been mostly about him refusing to do the things he is supposed to do, is that I don’t get it.  It doesn’t seem smart, and I don’t handle Not Smart very well.  If Behavior B gets you in trouble, but Behavior A gets you rewards and fun, WHY WOULD YOU KEEP DOING BEHAVIOR B I MEAN COME ON YOU ARE A LEARNING ROBOT ARE YOU NOT?  I was only rebellious at school when I wouldn’t get caught, which wasn’t until I was a senior in high school.  It’s a little cocky for this seven-year-old to think he’s going to get away with it.

Today I picked him up and the first words out of his mouth were, “My necklace is bad luck.”  And I’m like, “(head-tilt, question-mark eyes)” and he’s all, “It’s bad luck because I had a bad day today.”

SO NOW HE THINKS I’M STUPID, TOO.

Anyway, parenting is fun.  Thanks for letting me get that out.

i want to be funny BUT I AM STRESSED OUT OKAY GOD GET OFF MY BACK

We survived our four-day trip to Phoenix.  Next time I want to stay long enough to be able to forget the horrors of the flight out there before we have to get on a plane home, though.

One of the main reasons for this trip was for Andrew to meet My Entire Redneck Family.  I have to improperly use caps there because it’s the only way to stress the Entirety and the Redneckedness of My Family.  And there are many of us gun-toting, truck-driving motherfuckers.  I have four brothers and two sisters and my parents and all my grandparents are, miraculously, still alive so what I’m getting at here is POOR ANDREW.  But he survived.  The children also survived a total of eleven hours on a plane, BUT IT WAS CLOSE.

After we had checked our luggage, Maya screamed “HE STOLE OUR BAAAAAGS” woefully in the middle of Tampa International Airport and that was sad.  One night Andrew and I were out without the kids and as we drove back, we seriously considered bailing to Mexico, but we didn’t, and that was sad too.

Now it is wedding-planning time, so excuse me while I go hyperventilate into a paper bag.