The other day my mom asked me what time we should do our Thanksgiving festivities. I say, Maybe three o’clock? That way the kids are all lethargic from the tryptophan all evening and will chill out instead of the normal screaming-heathen routine. Then she tells me that the tryptophan thing has been scientifically proven to be false. Turns [...]
The Tweets
Featured Posts
you're fucking your life wrong
Just once, I’d really like to see something worthy of an “FML”. Let me give you a few examples, because Internet? I happen to think you’re doing it wrong.
the Georgia corndog incident
As I was taking a few minutes to stretch my legs while my car was filling with gas, I cleaned the remnants of my road trip snacks out of my car, and looked for a trash can. Hmm. No trash can in sight. I started walking around the side of the gas station to find some sort of trash receptacle, when I walked right into it...
bunk rib redeems itself
I have been thinking all day about the cool shit I could do with my own removed bunk rib. You guys, there is no way that this isn’t awesome.
when will mom die
“I REALLY WANT YOUR JACKSON 5 CD WHEN YOU DIE. WHEN I’M ELEVEN. IF YOU DIE WHEN I’M ELEVEN I CAN PLAY IT IN MY CAR ON MY WAY TO HIGH SCHOOL WHICH WILL BE COOL.”
just more mouths to feed
Sea monkeys are from the future, we told ourselves. Maybe in the future everything is dehydrated until you need it to be alive. We readied the tank and dumped our sea crumbs into the water, while my dad explained that eventually they grow to look like small furry shrimp.
Boothin’ It
