on the blog

something something defensive tackle something something $200,000 and TANGENTS

The other night I was with a varied group of people and we were discussing football.  The discussion started with a debate on how football players make an obscene, ridiculous, unjust amount of money…  TANGENT ALERT!

Here’s the thing–  Shut the fuck up* about how much football players make.  Football players make so much money because people watch football.  Just like most other things in this world (Jessica Simpson’s career notwithstanding), the salary of football players is based on supply and demand.  The owners write the checks because the stadiums are full and the merchandise is selling.  It’s entertainment; no different than Bieber and Gaga and motherfucking U2, who also make an obscene amount of money– except they don’t risk massive damage to their bodies on a weekly basis.  You can argue until you’re blue in the face that it’s stupid, ridiculous, unnecessary– But until you can get 90% of the people who watch football to stop watching football, nothing is going to change, so just shut the fuck up.

So anyway, like I said, I was suffering fools, and somehow the conversation devolved into… Oh!  Wait!  Another tangent!

That?  Right up there?  Is my most commonly used phrase.  “Somehow the conversation devolved into…“.  It is nearly impossible to have a conversation with me that does not turn into a sad shell of what an intelligent conversation should be.  I don’t know how or why it happens– if it’s some flaw in me or the people I talk to– but it happens 80% of the time.  Conversations with me are that high school quarterback who could’ve gone pro and made it big, but instead fell in love with methamphetamines and next thing you know he’s looking at 10-20 years for attempting to steal an ATM from a mall in broad daylight using only a skateboard and a watergun.

But I digress.

So somehow the conversation devolved into “Would you take a hit from a defensive tackle for $200,000?”  I mean, if you are padded up and they are padded up, basic football rules apply, no intentional dickheaded helmet-to-helmet bullshit, would you do it?

Fuck yes I would!  Here’s why:

1.)  I’ve already taken a full-on running start tackle from a 300-pound man (that’s a story for another time)– I had no protective gear, and I survived.  So I’m confident that I’d survive a second time. 

2.)  I could buy a lot of gummy bears or plane tickets or plane tickets made out of gummy bears with $200,000 and being sore for a week or maybe nursing a broken bone seems worth it to me.  (Truth be told, I’d do it for less than $200,000.)

Would you take that hit from a defensive tackle for $200,000?

*If you are bitching about it.  I don’t mean to imply you are bitching about it, but you may be, so if you are: shut the fuck up.

not a MILF, but a MWWTBAS

I’ve been having a hard time figuring out if, and how to, write about a particular topic on this here website, and that topic is:


It bothers me that I am even having mixed feelings on blogging about such a thing; I am usually so “anything goes” and open.  Why do I have reservations about this?  Finally, I figured it out– It’s because I’m a mom.

I think I fear that if I write about sex as an unattached woman, people will assume I’m a slut who is bringing an endless parade of men through the lives of her two children.  First of all, I don’t bring any men into my kid’s lives; as far as my kids know, Mommy is a chaste virginal soul made of sunlight and soft fabrics and marshmallows.  Secondly, do I really care if anyone wants to assume that I’m a bad parent because I am not (yet) committed to fucking one person for the rest of my life?

Ah, but there’s the kicker.  Apparently I do care.  That is my weakness, my kryptonite– Anyone thinking or implying that I’m not a good mom.  I work so hard to be a good mother and provide a stable home for my kidlets that the thought of anyone tying my harmless sex life into my parenting skills in a detrimental way makes me cringe.

So I’m a mom.  But guess what?  I’m also a single 27-year-old female.  I have- ahem- needs.  I’m not really interested in having a boyfriend right now, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t boys that I’m interested in having, if you know what I mean.  Wink wink, nudge nudge, etc.  Sometimes I may feel compelled to generally (I won’t discuss girth) (unless you ask nicely) write about such things and goddamnit, I don’t want to feel guilty about it.  I keep my sex life as a single female separate from my life as a mother, but I’m still ultimately one person with one blog– a blog where I should be fine with letting all my lives co-mingle.

There it is.  I’m a Mom Who Wants To Blog About Sex, and it doesn’t mean I’m a harlot with my priorities all wrong.

i put the FUN in funeral (again)

You’d think me giving you four solid ideas for ways to dispose of my decaying corpse in lieu of a typical boring funeral would be enough, but apparently not.  My twisted imagination doth not cease.

Last time, I made my “funeral” fun for you, because I’m selfless, or will be when I’m dead.  But this, the sequel, is a “do in death what I could not accomplish in life” version.  What I’m saying is, these ideas are things that will both get rid of the body and help me check things off my life list.  If you’ll be so kind to help my deceased person in the following ambitious endeavors, I’d appreciate it as much as the deceased can appreciate anything.  [Read more…]

i put the FUN in funeral

Let’s talk about what is going to happen in the event of my death.  No, I am not dying tomorrow.  I’ll be 27 in a month though, and it is possible I will die shortly after that.  When I die, it is (obviously) up to someone else to handle my death party.  I do want my dear friends and family to be able to have some fun with my corpse– Let’s just get all the necrophilia jokes out of the way now.  You done?  Thanks. –before I start to decompose.  Assuming my body is in one piece (because I’d like to go out in a way that leaves me mangled, but that’s a post for a different day), there are many fun things you can do with a body before it gets too rank.  Let’s discuss…

[Read more…]

(what i'm saying is: yes, i eat like this all the time and stress has nothing to do with it and don't question my love for cupcakes unless you like a good shanking)