on the blog

31 Fright Nights, bitches.

OMFG spoopy creeper friends, it’s the month* of scary movies.

*let’s be real, every month is scary movie month.

I’m living that Roku TV life and pretty much the only thing I miss about having cable is the cheesy nightly broadcasts of “scary” movies throughout October that every network does. So I compiled my own.

Grab that blanky (a.k.a. your monster shield, duh) and microwave that cider AGAIN: here are 31 horror flicks for you to watch this month.

For the record, I’m not saying these are critically-acclaimed. They’re just ones I liked for various reasons— or haven’t seen yet but have heard good things about.

1. The Exorcism of Emily Rose. This movie fucked me up for real, and it’s based (with extensive liberties) on the true story of Annaliese Michel. Religion be crazy, yo. Everyone knows when your girl is speaking in tongues, you go to a doctor.

2. Paranormal Activity. I was immediately and will forever remain such a sucker for these fake first-person or fake documentary type of movies. This movie is good and I don’t give a fuck what you think of me for liking it. I’m shortening that to TMIGAIDGAF because I’ll be saying that about a lot of these movies.

3. Gerald’s Game (Netflix). I haven’t seen this, but GQ’s review said it’s really good. A Stephen King fan since I was 7, I’m looking forward to this— the book really sucked me in. It latches onto all your fears of slow death. In the book, Gerald was a flabby tub of Crisco, so I’m a little side-eye that this adaptation has a fly-ass ripped Macguyver having a heart attack, but whatever.

4. The Village. TMIGAIDGAF. M. Night Shyamalan is predictable but I DON’T CARE, I LOVE THAT SHIT. Also Joaquin Phoenix. Also psychological terror that gets you thinking what kind of Donner party-ass people maybe live in the woods right behind you and you don’t even know, b.

5. The Conjuring. This movie had me yelling NOPE NOPE NOPE in the theater. When my daughter watched it at home, she peed the couch. Enough said.

Screen Shot 2017-09-30 at 5.30.16 PM

6. The Ring. When my brother watched this at home, he just legit barfed from terror. Look, I even verified. Hi, Stephen! Love you, mean it!

 

7. White Noise. It’s cheesy, but entertaining, and you get to roll your eyes a lot at the end. Watch when you’ve had a day where you wanted to be a jerk to someone to whom you couldn’t be a jerk. Take that shit out on Michael Keaton.

8. Shutter. Legit terrifying, and really well-shot if you’re into that film critic stuff.

9. Blair Witch Project. I told you I like this style. I know you have to stare at a lot of snot and there’s a good deal of whining, but the scene at the end is so creepy it makes it all worth it. Don’t watch if your kids whining already has you on edge.

10. Get Out. WHAT THE FUCK, THIS MOVIE IS FUCKED UP BUT IN A GOOD WAY BUT ALSO WTF. Anyway, watch it.

11. Poltergeist. Classic spoop. Never goes stale; it’s the Pop-Tart of mhellraiserovies.

12. Hellraiser. I actually don’t really like this but the costuming is amazing and I just like watching it to remind 16-year-old me that trying to actually look like these characters in my day-to-day emo goth high school life was impressive, but ill-advised.

13. The Others. Haven’t seen, and I don’t know how, but I’m going to fix that.

14. Dark Skies. Seen it a million times, still scary. Aliens freak me out. TAKE ME IF YOU MUST BUT BE KIND AND LEAVE ALL MY PARTS AND ALSO MAKE IT SO I DON’T REMEMBER THE VISIT. Thanks.

15. Apollo 18. Quick, take me to my fainting couch, a movie that mixes NASA and horror and aliens? Be still my heart, this movie is perfection.

16. It Follows. I’ve been trying to watch this forever but apparently it’s a little sexy and my kids just won’t ever go away so I can watch it.

17. Cabin In The Woods. A little stupid, a little scary, a little funny: watch with weed. *that you definitely legally acquired with a license from a licensed distributor, of course.

18. Paranormal Activity 2. I suspected I would hate this because since I saw the first one, I knew their whole schtick with this type of film and would be bored. UM NO. IT WAS SCARIER.

19. Strangers On a Train. Mark’s pick. Don’t know shit about it, except it’s Alfred Hitchcock. I hear there are hella murders.

20. The Wailing. Korean horror movie that’s very highly-rated. Haven’t seen it but I scanned the plot summary and saw the word “goat head” so I’m in.

21. Scream! For the people reading this who were all about Skeet Ulrich in the 90’s. AKA me.

22. The Omen. 1000% just because I like watching the mom get pushed off a balcony.

23. The Babadook. Still haven’t seen! Even though I heard so much talk about it. Does it suck? No don’t tell me.

24. The Invitation. I don’t know. Honestly this is a list filler that I Googled but now I’m pretty excited about it, it seems fancy.

25. The Haunting. This has like… LAUGH OUT LOUD cheesy parts but also it’s kind of fun.

26. The Phoenix Tapes ’97. I lived in Phoenix when this happened and it was a big freaky deal, so I’m going to watch this while suspending all the knowledge I have about what the lights really turned out to be and just embrace all the aliens or whatever. I am so ready.

27. Saw. I remember that before I watched this, I thought it was dumb and I was acting all smug-superior about it with my friends and then I saw it and it scared the crap out of me. Great gore scenes, too. They’re not my thing but I can still appreciate when the director goes hard.

28. Haunting in Connecticut. This movie is terrible and I don’t give a fuck.

29. Rosemary’s Baby. I haven’t seen this classic, I am ashamed.

30. Jeepers Creepers. I still can’t even with the dude’s tribal?? bellybutton?? tattoo?? but this is still a scary flick.

31. The Fourth Kind. My points here: Milla Jovovich (hnng). Aliens. Beautiful/creepy Alaskan scenery. Just fuck me up, fam. This is VERY high on my personal “most buttclench” scary movies list.

let me sum up the abortion debate for you

It’s like yelling at your neighbor about the couch he keeps in his house.

OH WAIT. YOU CAN’T YELL AT YOUR NEIGHBOR ABOUT THE COUCH HE KEEPS IN HIS HOUSE. BECAUSE IT’S NOT YOUR HOUSE, SEE?

No matter your opinion on abortion, it’s irrelevant, because her body is not your house.

 

 

it’s a burrito

Today’s post was written by a very talented guest-blogger.  You know him as Peter DeWolf, or “that goofy adorable Canuck”.  I know him as the guy who kicked my ass in fantasy football last season and the guy who is doing much better at producing posts for my blog than I am!  Enjoy!
————————————–

“It’s never going to fit,” she says, well aware of how dramatically it came out.

“Sure it will,” he replies, his eyes never leaving the football game.

“You’re not even looking.”

He glances over quickly, with just his eyes, and then back to the giant flat screen tv.

“It’ll fit.  You’re just not doing it right,” he says.

“Come show me how,” she smiles.

He hops up.

“Fiiiiiiine.  That play is under review anyway.”

He looks at the clothes.  He looks at the suitcase.  He strokes his chin.

“You need to roll your clothes,” he declares.

“Is that so?”

“It is so.”

She stares at him.  She bats her eyes.

“Need some Visine?” he asks.

“Maybe if you roll one piece to show me how?”

“But… But the game…”

“You’re so fast and talented that you’ll have it all finished before the game comes back on.”

He rolls his eyes, as he picks up the suitcase and dumps everything out.

“You’re taking my FoxyBingo.com t-shirt?”

“Yeah.  I like sleeping in it.  It makes me feel like you’re there.”

“Oh crap.  That’s annoyingly sweet.  I’ll roll two things,” he says.

“My hero.”

He takes a pair of skinny jeans and rolls them tightly, as he hates himself a little for knowing that they’re skinny jeans.  He places them gently in the suitcase.

He grabs a cardigan and begins rolling.

“You have to roll it like… those Mexican things that you make fun of me for having never tried before even though I’m Canadian,” he explains.

“You’re doing sooo well,” she says, taking a handful of the fries he left on the bedside table.

He shakes his head.

“It’s good that you got me to do this.  I’m going to show you have packing is done.”

He rolls.  He places.  He rolls.  He places.  And so on, until everything is rolled.

He stares down at the suitcase.

She walks over and stands next to him.

She stares down at the suitcase too.

“They don’t fit, do they?” she asks.

“No.  They don’t.”

“Hmm,” she says.

“I’ll buy you a bigger suitcase and give you a backrub if we never discuss this again.”

“Deal.”

“You ate all of my fries, didn’t you?”

“*Buuuuurp*  Maybe.”

aw crap, He may never forgive me for the Macarena, and rightly so

It has become pretty obvious to me in the past week or so that December 2010 is going to be one of those “make it or break it” times of my life.  There are quite a few big things that I really, really (REALLY) need to work in my favor so that I can work on some other big things in 2011 and holy shit, I am super anxious about it all.  This is so uncharacteristic of me; I am usually very calm about things.  Then again, I haven’t really had potentially life-changing situations be things that are outside of my control.  Usually my major life-changes have been mine, totally dependent on me and no one else, from start to finish.  But a lack of control, my friends, is what I have here, and maybe that’s why I am one big ball of nervous energy lately.

These things are so important to me that I have started silently pleading with God for them to work out as I need/want them to.  (Let’s be honest, it’s a “want”, because I won’t die if it doesn’t go my way.)  I was raised in a Christian household but rejected organized religion at thirteen because the hypocrisy of it all did not sit well with me.  At the time, I also discarded the idea of God, because, well, I was thirteen and teenagers are all about absolutes.  In the fourteen years since, I haven’t given God much thought, because…  I don’t know why.  Because I felt I didn’t need to?  Because I felt clinging to any faith besides faith in myself, my fortitude, my work ethic just seemed like a waste of energy?  However, this past year has thrown me some curveballs that me & my fortitude & work ethic could (and did) have no influence on, and so I entertain the idea of some kind of God– not someone to blame, but shit, maybe someone to talk to?  I don’t know; I’m new at this.

So like I was saying, my days are filled lately with prayers, except, hello, I’ve been essentially agnostic for fourteen years and I’m not really sure how to do this.  Could God even hear little ol’ me above all the other experienced prayers asking for help?  Do I need to get a billboard with my pleas plastered up along Route 70?  Does God even drive?  Probably not.  Or wait: yes.  God drives a Ferrari, but it flies.  And what do I say to God?  To me, “Please help me with this this and this” seems really insufficient, especially when I am a n00b coming out of the woodwork after fourteen years of spiritual disconnect to ask for assistance.  I should like, repent for bad things I’ve done, right?  Or offer good deeds in exchange for a little divine intervention?  Apparently this is what makes sense to me (even though it makes no sense to me), because I’ve been spouting off ridiculous prayers like this:

Dear God,

I realize now that the Macarena was a cult ritual dance of Satan and I’m sorry that I participated in it 973 times in 1996.  Please forgive me and help me with this Super Huge Important Thing.

Humbly,

Bri

Or this:

Dear God,

If you can just throw me a bone this month, I will donate my five-pound gummy bear to the fight against world hunger.  It could feed the entire Republic of Somalia for two years.

Please say hi to Eazy E for me,

Bri

Or this:

Dear God,

Please excuse the thirteen years of extremely impure thoughts I’ve had about my married high school biology teacher, and halp? Plz?

Chastely yours,

Bri

I don’t mean to sound like an irreverent asshole, I’m just new to this “asking for help” thing.   I hope if God does pick up the Bri station on his Prayer Ghettoblaster, he has a sense of humor.  But he must, right?  I mean, there’s no other explanation for some things.  God is a joker, and so we have penises.  God is a joker, and so we have Sarah Palin.

Dear God,

I forgive you for Sarah Palin.  Please help me this month.

Hugs,

Bri

my life is glamorous

Some things happened this past week.  Seriously glamorous things; things that usually only happen to celebrities.  Are you ready for this?  Shit this cool probably doesn’t even happen to Paris Hilton or George Clooney.  Okay, maybe George Clooney.

[Read more…]